Dear 2010 Melanie T

Dear 2010 Melanie,

You’ve seen the mountain top and you’ve been in the valley. You never knew one year a phone call would turn your life upside down. You never realized one person could be so important that you put your life on hold for x amount of time.

You probably won’t believe me when I tell you . . . your boyfriend of 2 years will break up with you a week after your 2 year anniversary. It’s ok. I couldn’t believe it either. Do believe me when I say you are stronger than you thought. Your family especially your mom will be understanding and patient. People you didn’t give much thought to will spring back into your life as if they’ve never wandered. The freshest months after the break-up will be the hardest. Sometimes you’ll start crying… and you think you don’t know why but don’t hide it. It’s ok. Let it out. You’ll feel so much better afterward.

Your friend from Hawaii will fly out just for the weekend. Just for you. Just to make sure you have someone to cry with, to talk to, to hug. Do believe me when I say the next few months you’ll experience grace like never before. There are no words to describe it-that’s how you are able to get through: one day at a time. Grace sufficient for each day. It never runs out.

Cheer up, being single isn’t all that bad. Actually, you’ll get to really enjoy singleness because of it you were able to watch Wicked in SF, Cruise to Mexico, and spend July 4th weekend in Chicago. You even started a blog and made great blogging friends!

Your eczema? You’ll finally be able to know what’s wrong with you. It’s not because you’re a monster and deformed although that’s what I was starting to believe, as well. Your allergist visit will be quite an experience. One you will definitely enjoy telling, sharing, and re-telling.

On a side note, if I were you, which I kind of am, I’d start buying clothes little by little starting now. You will have to start borrowing clothes from your size zero sister because of the weight you’re losing-from the breakup, because of your fasting, and finally your food allergies.

Don’t give up on the job search. It’ll take four months, 30 interviews, and 15 thank you notes. You even got to interview at USC-your resume and application got chosen out of 200 applicants. You interviewed twice at the California Science Center and got free parking to see the exhibits. Forever 21 Corporate hounded you for a clerk job and the President authorized a salary increase especially for you. The aforementioned companies will not offer you a job or you will not accept. God has something better for you. East Whittier School District. Title: Food Accounting Specialist. You no longer have to take the freeway. Praise the Lord. You will feel such relief.
 
The resignation of your former job and the acceptance of your new one will pave the way of NEW for you. New job. New year. New number. New things to cross off the bucket list.

Oh and the Laker finals game you wanted to watch but no one would go with you? GO BY YOURSELF you’ll regret it if you don’t. I regret not going.

All in all, this was a good year for you, this was a bad year for you, this was definitely a growing year for you. Embrace it. Run with it. Love it. Cry with it. Whatever you do-do NOT fight it.

Love,
Melanie
2011 January

 

What am I doing?

At 1:oo a.m. I decided to take a shower.

Now, I’m wide awake.

What am I doing?


Its 1:40 a.m.

What am I doing?

I don’t know.

 

I sit cross-legged on my bed flipping through my journal-debating if I should read what I wrote in my journal when I was still with the bf.

Maybe I lost or maybe I won, but I read.

Many of the entries without dates. Many entries about my googly feeling about my boyfriend.

Do I cry?

Maybe a little.

What am I doing?

 

Many entries with questions and unknowns.

Many of the entries are questions I have now and the unknowns I’m experiencing.

What am I doing?

 

One grave difference I notice. Maybe you have too.

 

I’m different.

 

Same questions but from a different person.

A different person today, single yes.

A different person from 11 months ago, taken, yes.

 

What am I doing?

I’m doing what I have known to do the past 11 months,

those times when I don’t know-what I am doing.

 

Keep going.

Don’t give up.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Photo Courtesy of Photobucket User: smileyhanchulak

 

Yes, a faint and sometimes flickering light  but still a light.